How to Guide: exploring your fluid sexuality

With a Master’s Degree in clinical psychology, Rachel Wright has worked with thousands of humans worldwide, helping them scream less and screw more. She helps break down easy steps to explore your fluid sexuality.


We are just really beginning to understand how fluid, curious, & everchanging our sexualities can be. This exploration can be lots of fun and super confusing for many of us who may not even have one single idea about what exploring our sexuality can mean! It's becoming far more normalized to be open and curious, but what does being open and curious actually look like, and how do you start? 


Let's dive into five helpful steps to get you more acquainted with your beautiful, fluid sexuality!


1. Unlearning past narratives

2. Learning new possibilities & ways of thinking

3. Asking yourself a few helpful questions

4. Starting to explore

5. Accepting yourself (and your newfound freedom!)

Step ONE:
Unlearning Past Narratives

I'm sure it's not news to you that most of us either learned very minimal sex ed (that was most likely VERY heterosexual based) or no sex ed at all. Along with that, there were essentially no conversations about self-pleasure, self-exploration, sexual identity, sexual exploration, gender identity or expression, or communication around sex. 

Because of this, many of us developed shame scripts around sex, masturbation, and our sexual identity. Unlearning can feel complicated and daunting with overwhelming feelings of, "where the heck do I even start?" 

Well, it's best to begin by questioning EVERYTHING. 

Were you raised in a community where heterosexual relationships were the norm? QUESTION IT.

Were you either not taught about self-pleasure or shamed for it? QUESTION THAT.

Were you told that monogamy was the only option for a "real committed relationship? QUESTION THAT TOO. 

Questioning can sometimes feel odd because our society teaches us that we need to know our opinions or "where we stand." But, just like our sexuality, our thoughts & views for many things are very fluid. We're always learning new things & retaining new information. Unlearning the beliefs that don't seem to align with you, or don't feel like they fit your current way of being anymore, is brave! Unlearn, question, & give yourself the grace to "not know." You might find that it's an exciting state of being.

Step TWO:
Learning New Possibilities & Ways of Thinking

Now that you have started the process of unlearning, it's time to fill your fantastic brain with new possibilities, ways of thinking, & maybe even new people! This might sound like a lot at first, but I promise it will be fun & way more realistic than it may seem. 

One of the best, easiest and accessible ways to begin learning from new perspectives is by following different people on your social media accounts. For example, following sex-positive accounts that talk about sex in ways you may not have grown up with can be beneficial in starting to form your own opinions. When we learn about other ways of being that may differ from our own, we gain insight into ourselves. 

Sometimes, especially when it comes to sexuality, we don't even know what we identify as, what all the options are, or where people like us are. Social media is an excellent tool not only to learn but to discover communities that may feel super homey to you. 

This allows you to feel more like a fluid being, too! Learning is so powerful. There's a sense of fluidity that makes us feel confident because we allow ourselves to be human sponges. Learning about something that makes you feel confident and known-- there's nothing like it, my friend. You will feel less alone, even if it's just with yourself at first. 

I also highly recommend reading the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., and check out this workshop on gender and sexual fluidity.

Step THREE:
Ask Yourself A Few Helpful Questions

So, here we are. You're unlearning, filling yourself up with new information, and starting to discover what feels most specific to you. Let me help you begin to break it down! 

  • Ask yourself, what sexuality & gender feel most ME? 
  • Do I feel the desire to explore my sexuality even more? If so, in what ways? 
  • Do I allow myself the freedom to be fluid & explore?

To begin embracing your gender fluidity, really allow yourself the freedom to evolve as a human. We are constantly growing, evolving, exploring, reimagining, & embracing new things, and our sexuality isn't an exception! It's bound to change & expand & that's exciting! 

Whether you have moments of confusion or aren't sure what you may be looking for, come back and ask yourself these three questions. Seriously, do it!

Step FOUR:
Exploring

Allowing yourself the freedom to explore your sexuality can seem so scary because most of us haven't been encouraged to experiment or question while growing up. Unlearning the judgment towards yourself to explore is a HUGE step, even if it feels like a baby step. (I promise, it's not.) 

Okay, okay, okay. All this self-love, acceptance, & de-shamifying sounds great in theory, but where is one supposed to start? 

Exploring your sexuality is basically like taking lots of teenie tiny baby steps of curiosity with yourself. 

This can be expressed in SO many different ways: 

  • Trying different sex toys 
  • Listening to erotica 
  • Wearing clothes that make you feel sexually empowered 
  • Watching another genre of ethical porn 
  • Asking someone out that you have been interested in

The best part of exploring your sexuality is this (it's probably not what you think): YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND. Who you are today is who you are today. That could change in the future, and that's OKAY, and even encouraged. 

When we allow ourselves the freedom of fluidity to change, evolve, and grow, we experience true, whole, satisfying self-acceptance. I'm talking about the self-acceptance that makes you feel confident, sexy, and curious about yourself. Because, whether you know it or not, you're super exciting to get to know!

Step FIVE:
Accepting yourself (and your newfound freedom!)

You've made it to step 5! You're cruising right along on this sexual journey while learning even more about yourself-- it's fun, isn't it?? 

Now, what does it mean to accept your sexual fluidity? 

To me, it looks like this: allowing yourself the space to grow & change, communicating to partners when something is no longer working for you, expressing what you'd prefer instead, keeping your mind open to trying new things, having time to explore your body on my own, checking in with yourself over time by asking the three questions above, and constantly reminding myself that you're am subject to change! 

You can say this to yourself: "The tools & knowledge I have are always changing, so of course, it makes sense that I will be changing, too!" 

Sexual fluidity is about freedom & self-acceptance. It's also about experimenting, whether that's in your mind or practice. 

For many of us growing up, we didn't have the language or freedom to explore all the options for ourselves. We didn't have the space to try on different sexuality titles or labels or even let ourselves simply be. 

Now is that time! 

It may seem scary because anything new can feel that way, but it's also liberating! 

One of the most important things to remember is that THIS IS FUN. You are deserving of feeling like your you-est YOU. Regardless of the narratives you were taught, learning about your sexuality, its fluidity, & allowing yourself the freedom to explore is SO important. Now, get exploring!

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