Talking to Your Partner About Sex

We’ve compiled the 6 things you should know to have a productive and positive conversation about sex. Partnering with Dr. Donna, sex expert, we’re here to help you understand how to communicate your sexpecations to your partner.

Figuring out how to talk to your partner about your sexual needs and desires can actually be weirdly tricky. Yes, even if you’ve been together forever. Yes, even if you love them! And yes, even if things are already pretty hot and heavy.

As Dr. Donna puts it, “Some bomb-ass communication can lead to some bomb-ass sex.”

So let’s get there!

STEP ONE: think through what you want

Establish what you want to talk about. What do you want your partner to know? The first step is understanding what it is that YOU want.

Here’s a fun and helpful tip to do this in case you’re stuck: What do you want them to stop doing? What do you want them to start doing?

Maybe it’s “I want more sex,” “I want to try something different,” or simply, “I want more cuddles after we’ve done the deed.”

Sit with yourself and think it out.

STEP TWO: play with yourself to understand what you like (and what you don't)

You gotta know yourself. What are your likes, needs, desires? Solo play is your ticket to understanding what you like and what you don’t like.

Set aside some time to try different things in different scenarios. Different turn-ons, locations, techniques. Really set the mood for yourself—music, lighting, the whole deal. What’s your ideal? What feels good? Not so good?

Experiment with yourself! Make a note of what you like and don’t like. How can that translate into sex with someone else?

If you need help exploring, we recommend So-Low Lotion for penises, Toy Wonder for sex toys and Tush Cush for getting into butt stuff.

STEP THREE: bring your partner onboard

Research… with your partner this time! Dr. Donna suggests you try a “yes, no, maybe” list. Make a sexy list of stuff you’d like to try with your partner, then sit with them and go through the list. What are their yeses, nos, and maybes?

Have them do the same, and then discuss. Be open to trying new things. Be ready to both be honest and receive honesty from your partner in an open, caring way.

STEP FOUR: play with your partner, sans intercourse

With your partner, explore each other’s bodies….WITHOUT having intercourse (or “sex” as you define it). This is all about the sensual touch. Rubbing, tickling, licking…use your hands.

Doing this will give you an idea of the way both of you like to be touched, without the pressure or expectation of full intercourse or an orgasm. But hey, if an orgasm happens…all the better!

STEP FIVE: okay, sex time :)

Do it! Have sex, incorporating some (or all) of the things you’ve talked about.

As always, make sure everyone is consenting, all the time.

STEP SIX: debrief openly, honestly, and with humor

Get with your partner and get real about getting off. After you’ve done the deed, do a serious debrief. Dr. Donna suggests that a good question to use is, “On a scale of 1-10, how good was that for you? For me, it was….”

If that feels a little awkward, Dr. Donna says you can hold up your number behind your back and then both show your numbers at the same time. Then, have a conversation about the numbers—of course, this can get sensitive, so feel free to stop if things start to feel challenging.

If your partner doesn’t have a high number, ask, “What can get it to an 8?” If they’re at a 10, ask them what made it feel so damn good.

Then, get ready for next time.